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Sending letters to Santa

Posted: December 9, 2013 2:00 a.m.
Updated: December 9, 2013 2:00 a.m.

I don’t know why it happens every year. Our offices here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy get inundated with letters addressed to Saint Nicholas. We forward as many as we can to the Jolly Old Elf but a few we keep behind to share with you. Enjoy.

Dear Santa- I am a fast food service worker. Well, not really. I am a union wonk that was bussed in by the SEIU to protest at fast food joints in support of their strike. Which really wasn’t a strike since most of them did not leave their employers. But that is beside the point! I want a raise. A big one. I want to make $15 per hour! No, I demand it! Give it to me, Santa! Signed- a poor, destitute fast food worker.

Dear Worker- Ho, Ho, Ho! You want to make double what you make now? That’s a tall order even for Santa. Have you stopped to think about why you have a fast food job? Most of you are young and this is your first job. There is nothing wrong with flipping burgers for minimum wage. Because here is a little Reindeer Secret that liberals hate: you get paid for what you are worth! If you want to make more money, you need to gain skills to make yourself more valuable. Will I give you a raise? No, no, no!

Dear Santa- I lied to many people about something really important. They lost their health insurance and I knew it would happen. Also, the people that work with me knew it would happen. But we just HOPEd that this CHANGE would go unnoticed. Santa, can you give me back my credibility? Love, B. Obama

Dear Mr. President- Ho, Ho, Ho! Boy, the elves sure were mad when I cancelled their health insurance! They tried to get on your website but it didn’t work. Now, when they get carpal tunnel making all those trains and dolls, I just give ‘em an aspirin and tell them to stop complaining. Please hang an extra-strong stocking by the fire. It’s going to be holding a lot of coal this year. Ho, Ho, Ho!

Dear Santa- please bring us a World Series Championship this year! We’ve been waiting since ‘88 and our city deserves it. Especially after the McCourt years. Signed- T. Lasorda
Dear Tommy- What? I gave you the NLCS! And Puig! And Kershaw! Well, ok. You’ve waited long enough. I will bring you the Series in 2014. Ho, Ho, Ho!

Dear Santa- can you bring us more people? I mean, we are building a large number of cities here in China and we cannot move our own people into them. They are too expensive. We need people to live here. I am very worried that we are making a housing bubble that is far more vast than the American’s tiny bubble that burst a few years ago. Signed- X. Jinping

Dear Mr. General Secretary- Ho, Ho, Ho! Most of the world is blissfully unaware of the great crisis you are creating! With no ability to move money out of your country and limited investment options, large numbers of empty cities are being built with the life savings of ordinary Chinese. When the market collapses, and it will, there will be tremendous social upheaval in your country which will destabilize the world. It will make the last recession look like a walk in the park. I’ll be bringing you some books on basic economics and capitalism. Please read them quickly! Ho, Ho, Xi!

Dear Santa- what was the best present you ever gave on Christmas? Signed- Curious in the SCV.

Dear Curious- Ho, Ho Ho! The best gift I ever gave was nothing in comparison to the gift we were all given. God gave us His son Jesus on Christmas. The baby, born in a manger, to humble circumstances, would grow up to change the world. Through this gift, God gave us all the opportunity to have eternal life. Know, Grow, Go!

Amen, Santa. Amen.

Steve Lunetta is a resident of Santa Clarita and has been a very good boy this year. So, the Signal decided to double his salary! Take that, Kevin, Charlie, and Gary. He can be reached at


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