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Michael Picarella: S.F., pills and the cuckoo's nest

Picarella Family Report

Posted: March 27, 2009 9:00 p.m.
Updated: March 28, 2009 4:55 a.m.
Son's favorite movies hated
At 5:32 p.m. on March 10 in my very own home, my 5-year-old son asked for and then watched "Herbie Fully Loaded" for the last time.

"I can't take it anymore," I told doctors after having seen the Volkswagen racecar movie more than 3,000 times within the last two months.

"How can anyone want to see a movie so many times?" When I was released from the mental institution, I convinced my son to watch and love a movie I loved so that I might be able to withstand the repeat viewings I knew I was in for.

"I can't take it anymore," I told doctors after going insane again from watching the same movie over and over. I stayed in the mental institution for a week until Tuesday, when a boisterous kook wearing a beanie cap on his head demanded that the nurses turn off the Mantovani music and play the "Herbie Fully Loaded" DVD instead.

I chucked a drinking fountain out the window and escaped through the opening before the head credits of the movie rolled.

Battery-changing pills wanted
Calling all inventors, doctors and chemists! I'm the proud owner of a Medtronic pacemaker, which I had installed in my chest two years ago to keep my heart from stopping.

In about eight years, I'll need to undergo another horrific surgery so doctors can replace the battery in my device. I will pay good money to anyone who creates a pill somewhat like aspirin, which, when swallowed, finds the pain in a person's body and kills that pain.

The pill I'm looking for will, once swallowed, find the old battery in my pacemaker and replace it with a new one. Those up for the task have about eight years to respond with results. Please send bids to Michael Picarella at

Wife left glasses in San Francisco
My wife left her sunglasses in San Francisco. Earlier this month, the two of us and our 5-year-old son spent a few days in the City by the Bay, when, on a boat cruising the blue and windy sea, my wife reached for the glasses on top of her head to shield her eyes from the golden sun and discovered that her prized Ray Bans were missing.

"I didn't even have them a year," my wife told authorities. Experts said people always lose things in San Francisco.

Eventually, my family had to return to Southern California - without the sunglasses and without a promising lead. My wife continues to mourn for her glasses, hoping for a slot on "Oprah" to discuss the tragic disappearance.

"My glasses wait there," she said, "in San Francisco." My wife has hope that her Ray Bans will one day come home to her.

Son not done, it's not over
My 5-year-old son informed my wife and I on Thursday that his stuffed bear, Bear, is not real. "Jeez, Mom and Dad," the boy said after we'd set a place for Bear at the dinner table. Even though our son sat Bear at the table and was taking his order, we were the ones who needed the "Jeez."

Asked why Bear was at the table if he was so fake, our boy said, "When I'm done, it'll be over." Sources suggest that our son was trying to say that he was done being a kid and that his pretending days were over.

However, a trip to the snow changed all that. My wife and I let our boy use the camera to take pictures of the white powder in the hills.

"Say cheese, snow," he said. Asked if he thought the snow was a living thing, our son said, "Of course it is. Geez, Mom and Dad."

Michael Picarella is a Valencia resident and a proud husband and father. His column reflects his own opinion, not necessarily that of The Signal. To contact Picarella or to read more stories, go to



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