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Michael Picarella: Bed sheets and bad words

Posted: May 29, 2009 9:19 p.m.
Updated: May 30, 2009 4:55 a.m.
Mommy gets special treatment
My 5-year-old son gave Mommy special treatment this Mother’s Day. During brunch, when it came time for the kid to use the bathroom, he nominated Mommy to take him. “Since it’s your special day, Mommy, you get to bring me,” the boy said.

When Mommy sat down to watch some TV later in the day, our boy was right there offering up more special treatment. “You can choose whatever show you wanna watch, Mommy,” he said. “Do you wanna watch ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ or ‘Spongebob Square Pants’ the movie?” Mommy was reportedly thrilled.

Our son also let Mommy give him a bath that night and help him brush his teeth before going to bed. “Yay,” Mommy said. Before kissing us good night, our boy asked how long until my special day. I told him I didn’t get one. Mommy was sure to remind us of Father’s Day in June. I can’t wait.

The bed sheets must be perfect
My wife announced yesterday that I’m obsessed with bed sheets and the need for them to be perfectly symmetrical.

If a bed isn’t made neatly with hospital corners, then I have to strip it down to the mattress and re-make it. “The sheets have to be perfectly even and balanced throughout the entire night,” my wife said.

“If they aren’t, my husband has no problem re-making the bed no matter what time it is—with me in the bed.” I added, “If my wife wouldn’t roll over and take all the sheets with her, I wouldn’t have to re-make the bed in the middle of the night.”

My wife said she’s unaware of how she handles the sheets when she’s fast asleep. In response, I said, “I’m always aware of how the sheets are covering my body, if they’re clean and straight, organized and proportioned, even in the deepest sleep. Subconsciously, you can just tell.” And my wife says I have the problem.

Kid knows not to say bad words
Two weeks ago, while at home, my wife busted our 5-year-old son for saying the “F” word—“Fart.”
He promised not to use profanity ever, ever again. Since then, the boy’s been clean. “He hasn’t used one dirty word,” my wife said in a statement Monday.

On Tuesday afternoon, while playing at the park, our son got into a little tussle with one of his friends. The friend came to my wife to report that our son used the “S” word. My son said, “I didn’t use the ‘S’ word.” “Yes you did,” said the friend. My boy responded,

“No, Mommy, I said he rhymes with ‘oo-pid.’” Since then, our boy hasn’t said any words that rhyme with bad words.

Wife rejects X-ray tips
After last year’s bout with teeth X-rays when my wife gagged on the film, when they saw my family last weekend dental officials asked if I would do my X-rays first — so they could prepare a room for my wife with buckets and sheets of plastic over almost everything. “Those things they put in your mouth to bite down on are so big that I can’t swallow, I can’t breathe, not to mention they go halfway down my throat,” my wife said following her visit.

While I was getting my teeth x-rays this last weekend, I discovered a way my wife could bite down on the film and not gag.

As I waited in the chair for the dentist to give me the results of my X-rays, I pulled out my cell phone and called my wife in the waiting room with the advice. I’d like to report another gagging, where my significant other tried to shove my cell phone down my throat immediately following my phone call.

Michael Picarella is a Valencia resident and a proud husband and father. His column reflects his own opinion and not necessarily that of The Signal. To contact Picarella or to read more stories, go to


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