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Steve Lunetta: Just call me the governor

Posted: May 31, 2009 9:43 p.m.
Updated: June 1, 2009 4:55 a.m.
Once the recall of the Governator is complete, we're going to need a new governor. I know there are a lot of political hacks out there who think they can do the job. But, if an actor can run the ninth largest economy in the world, why not me?

As such, I hereby declare my candidacy for governor of our fair state.

I'm going to strap a bullhorn to the roof of the green Honda, and travel the state.

My platform will be simple but strong. I'll clean up this mess, hose out the stables, and eject the rascals. I'll spank the career politicians, spank the special interests, then spank the interns. Oh, wait, Gary Condit already tried that.

The first plank in my platform will be the institution of a maximum personal tax liability. No individual will pay more than 2 percent of yearly income to the state for any cause.

No matter what the Legislature calls it - taxes, fees, love gifts, involuntary donations, lottery tickets - the most any Californian can pay is 2 percent.

The only exception to the maximum would be if we went to war. California would have to declare war on, say, Nevada, to increase taxes.

We'd lose, of course, because all of that casino security would make a formidable army.

On top of that, I would institute a corporate tax limit. In 2008, the corporate rate was 8.84 percent. I would reduce this rate to 6 percent. On top of that, I would give a rebate of 1 percent for any company that expands employment by 5 percent in a tax year.
Liberals shudder at the illogic of this. "You would bankrupt the state" they would cry.

In the very short term, they would be right. But, in 12 months, we would have such an influx of new business that we would be swimming in new tax revenues.

People would be employed. And the Golden State would be back on the path to fiscal health.

I would declare the Dodgers as the official team of California.

Angels fans would hate it but we could let them add the words "semi-official" to their current title. So they would be the "Semi-Official California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Outer Fullerton." It could work.

I would end mandatory union membership for public employees and change the balance of power in the state.

Power would return to the voting public and be removed from the hands of well-funded special interests like unions.

Good people who are forced into unions would be free of union tyranny and keep more of their hard-earned dollars.

I would stop the initiative system. While it seems like a good idea, the brutal truth of the matter is that the public is easily manipulated by clever marketing campaigns and deceptive television ads.

Many voters don't even read the voter guides that the state mails to them, let alone research the issue and make an informed decision.

Laws and initiatives must be created by the Legislature. Our elected representatives must return to doing the job that they are supposed to be doing. They represent us. Anything less is an abdication of responsibility.

I'd build a fence around San Francisco and give them their independence.

Of course, I'd leave a gate so that all of the illegal immigrants could flock there since Mayor Gavin Newsome made San Francisco a sanctuary city.

My first "big" project would be the construction of a new water handling system for the state. It ain't glamorous, but we need it.

The voters didn't understand the urgency a couple years ago and voted down the proposition.

We need to invest in water infrastructure whether or not the public thinks its "sexy."

I would target wasteful items in the California budget and eliminate them.

No more $150,000 per year "garbage board" jobs where the members only work an hour a month.

No more "good in concept" programs that have failed when put into practice (school meal programs, employee training programs, etc).

Finally, I would build Arizona-style prisons. Think big tent cities surrounded by concertina wire and machine guns. Think meals that cost less than 50 cents. Think pink underwear. Think hard time that punishes but also saves money. We could cut prison funding until it is comparable to the national average and save millions.

I am now accepting donations for the campaign However, I don't want any small checks since I hate banking. Anything over $1 million will be gladly accepted. I figure I'll need about 10 of those checks.

10 million bucks should be enough to get me the governor job and leave enough left over to repaint the green Honda. Maybe a nice Dodger blue.

Steve Lunetta is a Santa Clarita resident. His column reflects his own views, not necessarily those of The Signal.


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