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Steve Lunetta: Letters - we get letters

Posted: June 14, 2009 10:28 p.m.
Updated: June 15, 2009 4:55 a.m.
We here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Office get numerous letters on a weekly basis. Some letters are profound and others profane, but almost all never fail to entertain.

In a free country, one may express his or her opinion without fear of condemnation or retribution. So, without further ado, here are the latest ramblings from our faithful readers.

Dear Right Wingers: I heard that Congressman "Buck" McKeon (R-Calif.) recently got a big honor. What was it? - J. Kraut, Newhall

Dear J.: Our own Buck McKeon was named the Ranking Member of the House Armed Services Committee. This is a big deal, folks.

The HASC is one of the most influential committees on the Hill, and this is a great honor for Buck.

He was selected by the Republican Steering Committee in recognition of his experience, skill, ability and length of service.

Congratulations, Buck!

Dear Right Wing Nut Jobs: It's clear from my latest column that I proved that Republicans want higher taxes.

After all, the highly respected David Bender Research Group presented volumes of validated data that showed more than 73.47 percent of voters want to tax filthy rich corporations and filthy rich people.

We all know corporations and rich people are responsible for all our problems. Further, "filthy rich people" will be further defined as anyone making more money than ... I. - C. Lutness, Stalingrad

Dear C.: Your column was truly amazing. Not only did you quote meaningless statistics from an obscure "research group," but you had the audacity to declare an obvious falsehood.

Republicans are against higher taxes. The average rank-and-file GOP-er is dead set against increasing taxes of any kind. To say otherwise is a distortion of the truth.

Why, the Irving Steinwitz Center for Advanced Studies of Politics and Poltergeists declared that 93.22 percent of all Republicans oppose higher taxes of any kind.

The Steinwitz Center also declared that 45.38 percent of all Democrats are not really Democrats but Republicans and that 68.94 percent of all statistics used in opinion columns are made up.

Dear Conservative Baseball Fans: Name the youngest player to pitch in the majors. - M. Ramirez, Valencia

Dear M.: That's an easy one. Joe Nuxhall of the 1944 Cincinnati Reds was only 15 years old when he took the mound as a relief pitcher.

Because of World War II, many major league teams were forced to use young players since the veterans were off in the service. Nuxhall gave up five walks, two hits and five runs before being relieved.

This didn't faze him, though. He went on to a solid major league career and then went into broadcasting for the Reds.

Dear Right Wing Attack Dogs: I am fed up with your incessant attacks! My job at the University of Chicago was legitimate!

I earned every penny of my $317,000 salary working 20 hours a week. I am personally insulted that you would infer anything else. - M. Obama, Washington, D.C.

Dear M.: We just find it curious that a person in charge of "community relations, neighborhood outreach, volunteer recruitment, staff diversity and minority contracting" would command such a high salary. And, didn't you get that big pay increase right after your husband was elected Senator?

And what a co-inka-dinkle that the University got a $1 million set-aside almost immediately. Can you say "quid pro quo"? Oh, that's right. This type of corruption is common in Chicago. And now, it's in Washington.

Dear Yankee Imperialist Dogs: The two spies you sent across our northern border were easily apprehended.

The fact that they were women (one a mother of a four-year-old) did not deter us from sentencing them to 12 years in a hard labor camp for their "grave crime."

You imperialist running dogs will think twice before invading North Korea again. - Dear Leader, Pyong-Ping-Pong

Dear Dear: You remind us of the gnat that flies around the food during a picnic. You are not worth swatting and are merely a nuisance.

Better, you are a crying child who demands attention but what you really need is a good spanking. Your despicable act of seizing two journalists should be seen for what it is - an attempt to gain bargaining chips in your insatiable quest for recognition and respectability.

Never mind that your people are starving. What you really need is a cruise missile shoved up your tailpipe.

Dear Right Wingers: Thank you so much for your intelligent, thoughtful and masterfully written columns. I look forward to them every Monday (Right About Now) and Friday (Right Here, Right Now).

You conservatives sure are making a change for the better! - T. Forsberg, Heaven

Dear T.: Thanks, Mom.

Please keep those cards and letters coming! We greatly appreciate your thoughts and ideas. Your energy and common sense are the fuel for our cause and party. Thanks again!

Steve Lunetta is a Santa Clarita resident. His column reflects his own views and not necessarily those of The Signal. "Right About Now" runs Mondays in The Signal.


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