View Mobile Site

Ask the Expert

Signal Photos


Well, good morning, it’s Christmas

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: November 26, 2011 1:30 p.m.
Updated: November 26, 2011 1:30 p.m.

Good morning, my friends.

Have a cup of coffee and a slice of leftover turkey. Take a moment, take a breath, and realize ... it's Christmas.

While, somewhere, a calendar says you've still got 30 days, the truth is, it's been Christmas since Halloween. But it's only now, the day after Thanksgiving, while the ambulance wagons are picking up the bodies left from the first major battle of the seasonal family wars, that you can concentrate on it.

And I don't know about you, but for me, apparently, a year has gone by in a "Christmas Carol" nightmare. Some stuff happened, I'm sure, but, seriously, it feels like I just did this.

And so we don't have to wait for New Year's Eve to look back on the year. It's time to complain now. As Lennon sang....

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over...."

So what have you done?

If you plotted your gym attendance over the past year, the graph would look like the trajectory of a clown being shot out of a circus cannon, coming hard to earth along about March.

If you plotted your credit card balances over the 12 months, the graph would look like the path of a jet taking off from an aircraft carrier, with a small, optimistic dip as it leaves the deck, then a great, soaring climb.

If you plotted the progress of your personal relationships, church attendance, self-improvement, soul enrichment, weight loss or even exfoliating or flossing, the "graphs" would look like someone fired bird shot at them.

Fits and starts, baby, fits and starts.

And, if you plotted your gross income over the year ... well, these days you'd be happy with a flatline. If you did better than that, mum's the word. Just agree with everyone else about how bad things are or you're always going to get stuck with the check.

And for sure don't tell them you're making an extra $400 per month donating your plasma - they'll just want in on the deal.

Sadly, the only thing you can count on increasing at a steady rate, regardless of what you do or don't do, is, well, your age.

So you've nearly aged a year since last Christmas, and all you have to show for it is good intentions gone bad, and bad hygiene gone worse. The only thing you can hang your hat on is that you donated 20 years-worth of reindeer sweaters to the Goodwill - you know, just in time to get another one.

You're older, uglier, sadder, poorer, dumber and more "eccentric," and Christmas has you in its sights again, with the New Year's gavel about ready to fall and finalize your condemnation.

What to do?

Rationalize, my friends, rationalize to beat the band.

Shuffle off to kid-yourself-town and make it all go away.

If you look at them from enough angles, and if you're forceful enough in your presentation, you can convince yourself that all of your failures are actually successes.

Do you doubt?

Well, consider these:

* Less money?
You're doing your part to spend less, keep inflation down, and generally reduce your carbon footprint.

* Still haven't gotten in shape?
You're doing your part to make other lazy slobs feel better about themselves.

* Still haven't learned to play the violin?
You've allowed someone else to keep his chair in the Homeless Encampment Orchestra.

* Still sleeping on the downstairs couch?
You're closer to the refrigerator and ESPN, and farther from cuddling and extraneous body heat.

* Still haven't repaired the relationship with your brother-in-law?
It will just make the emotional reunion more meaningful five years from now, when he gets out of prison.

* Didn't spend enough time this year reading to your 5-year-old daughter?
It just gave her more time to work on her chat room skills.

* Didn't take that community college course?
You've done your part to A) make other people feel smarter by comparison to you, B) make room in the class so that another shiftless high school grad can con his parents into continuing to let him live at home, and C) stop perpetuating "The Use of Klingon in Nerd-Circles," which was the course title.

'T'sallgood, and Merry freaking Christmas.

Comment at or Twitter at


Most Popular Articles

There are no articles at this time.
Commenting not available.
Commenting is not available.


Powered By
Morris Technology
Please wait ...