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Jim Walker: Resolutions? Save yourself the grief

Don't Take me Seriously

Posted: December 30, 2011 1:30 a.m.
Updated: December 30, 2011 1:30 a.m.

People, let me save you some time and trouble.

Any New Year’s resolutions you make now will be total exercises in futility — you know, unless you are setting such goals as getting rapidly fatter, lazier and deeper in debt.

You see, any “positive” efforts you might make over the next months will be rendered hopelessly moot by both the economy and the Mayan calendar. I mean, why waste any thought or energy when the deck is stacked against you and the rug is going to be pulled out from under you?

In fact, the only things worth doing this year would be to come to terms with your loved ones and your maker, because you’ll all be singing “Clementine” around the eternal campfire soon enough.

And if you don’t believe in a hereafter, then the pure pursuit of pleasure should be your goal. Beg, borrow and steal to make it happen.

Anything else is pointless.

* Try to save money?

Piffle. Maybe you’ll struggle mightily against the flow of the economy to stash a few hundred dollars away, only to see it all go up in smoke on Dec. 21. Why bother?

* Pay down your credit cards?

Sheesh. As above, there’s no point. All your debts will be canceled by the burning lake of fire that will cover the world. Max those cards out, brother, and open as many new accounts as you can. Spend! Spend! Spend!

* Get in shape?

You’d better hurry. Your body-sculpting-to-impress needs to be accomplished while there is still time left to impress someone.

What would be the use in photographing your perfectly chiseled  abs on Dec. 20 and posting it to your 2,000 Facebook friends when they won’t even have time to “like” the picture before their Internet service goes down in the aforementioned burning lake of fire?

No, instead of trying to “get healthy,” you should indulge in all manner of rich and tasty, high-calorie foods. Eat anything your charge cards can purchase. Live on chili dogs, cheesecake and red meat from cows that drink beer and get massages.

* Try to find a better job?

Be serious. It ain’t gonna happen in this market. And, even if it did, you’d still be suffering in the initial learning curve when the curtain came down on all life. Far better would be to get yourself laid off and collect unemployment while the foreclosure proceeds on your house and you travel the country in your motor home. If you can retire early, do that. Social Security should be solvent for another 12 months.

* Take that college course?

Nonsense. It would be a complete waste of time, and what you pay in fees would be better spent on hard liquor.
Think about it. Brain cells are like gold bars. You can’t take them with you. You’ll either know nothing in the afterlife, or cosmically know everything — and, if it’s the latter, you will have gained said knowledge without cramming for exams.

* Make friends with your infuriating neighbor?

OMG, why bother? By the time you’ve kissed up to him enough to get him to start picking up his dog’s poop from your front lawn … Well, you know he’ll be roasting in hell.

* Take your cholesterol medication?

Ridiculous. Unless, without the meds, your arteries are going to completely shut down in the next 12 months, flush those drugs to the fishes. The fish won’t grow extra heads in that time and you won’t suffer the negative side effects from statins — you know, such as them taking the “lift” out of your Viagra.

In fact, the only meds you should take over the next 12 months would be those that make you feel better or do better in the short term, such as beer. Your long-term health will never matter.

* Run for office?

Oh, come on. Now you’re just being silly. Even if you could get yourself elected by next December, you’d better have done it for ego’s sake only, because you won’t have time to affect anything, legislatively, before that anything is toast. In fact, there’s really no point in even voting.

Ashes in the wind, baby. Enjoy yourself!

Here Walker reminds you to not take him seriously. He doesn’t want you to sue, you know, if the world doesn’t end. Comment at or Twitter at


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