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Jim Walker: Time for the Valentine's Day dodge

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: February 14, 2012 1:55 a.m.
Updated: February 14, 2012 1:55 a.m.

My friends, as I write this, I have been poisoned by the saccharine-sentimentality of impending Valentine’s Day, and I am twitching, on the verge of a coma. You see, the other hats I wore at The Signal last week forced me to treat the big red silliness as if it were a real thing that guys actually cared about.

Thank heavens that I finally have this column to clear my head, cleanse my palate and, you know, pump my stomach.

Fact: Guys hate Valentine’s Day.

Fact: Guys have to pretend they don’t.

And here, I take complete offense to the recent Super Bowl commercial, wherein a beautiful babe suggestively says,
“Guys, Valentine’s Day is not that complicated. Give, and you shall receive.”

This was met with a chorus of boos at the Super Bowl party I attended, while fathers put their hands over their young daughters’ ears to prevent their innocent minds from being corrupted by the sales pitch. And, while I applaud the commercial-makers for admitting the age-old scam straight-out. …

It is, after all, a scam.

Boys, you do not “receive” in measure to what you give. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you give to maintain what you already have. If you don’t clear the bar on Feb. 14, the result will be that you have less on Feb. 15 than you did on Feb. 13 — maybe a whole lot less.

It is a classic, no-win situation.

And, gentlemen, as we all know, when confronted by a no-win situation, our time-tested, genetically programmed response is to … what? Say it together … yes, that’s right … to run away.

So how do we run away from Valentine’s Day, especially at the last minute? How do we dodge the beast?

Well, you have to make a decision first. Do you just want a temporary vacation from romantic responsibility, or do you want out for good? If it’s the latter, anything goes. Your maneuvers are only constrained by your level of cruelty.

But let’s assume you want to keep your reputation as a nice guy. Then the best way to get permanently out of your relationship is the reverse breakup. And it’s really easy. All you have to do is be yourself. I mean your real self. In short order, she will be ushering you out the door while telling you, “It’s not you, it’s her.”

The only problem here is that the closer it is to Valentine’s Day, the more reluctant women are to do anything to reduce their chances of rolling in romantic excess. Trust me, on the morning of V-Day, she will put up with a whole lot more of your “quirks” than she normally would. Hence, you need to ramp up your game. Maybe break out that old 1980s, bare-belly workout jersey that hardly looked good on you when you were 50 pounds lighter — and tell her, just FYI, your mother and her six cats are moving in.

Now, there is a bright side to your woman’s V-Day greed. You can take advantage of it and demand some concessions that she wouldn’t normally consider. Maybe you could push for that man cave in return for taking your stinky feet off the doily on the dining room table.

However, if you don’t really want to drive her away, this is a dangerous game and you have to walk a fine line.

Now, if you only want to dodge one day of romantic abuse (today), and would like the rest of the year to remain status quo, you have very few choices. You see, if she runs off to her mother’s on Valentine’s Day, and you want her to come home sometime after that, you will have to make up for it with even greater heaps of lavishness than the “holiday” would have originally required.

Nope. At this late hour, your maneuvers for dodging Valentine’s Day without further repercussions are pretty much limited to sudden and serious illness — either well-faked or self-induced. And it has to be an illness that incapacitates you for, maybe, a week after V-Day. That way she will not expect you to do anything romantic until such time as the red spell has released her mind.

Oh, and if she reads this column … well, you’re out of luck this year, pal.

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