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Jim Walker: The beach — no place to play around

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: February 17, 2012 2:00 a.m.
Updated: February 17, 2012 2:00 a.m.

My friends, we can all sleep easier  on L.A.’s beaches this summer knowing we are protected from death by Frisbee. And, further, we will be protected from death by football, as well as from self-entombment.

Now, just in case you hadn’t heard about it, last week the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors implemented a tiered series of fines for anyone caught throwing a football or Frisbee on any beach in Los Angeles County.

Digging a hole in the sand deeper than 18 inches was also prohibited — along with all the other fun we previously couldn’t have, such as going nude, smoking, drinking, listening to loud music or reciting Shakespeare in a bad English accent.

The updated rules prohibited “any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll” any object other than a beach ball or volleyball “upon or over any beach” between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Exceptions allow for ball-throwing in designated areas, when a person obtains a permit, or playing water polo “in or over the Pacific Ocean.”

Now, I can almost understand the digging restrictions, because several doofi have, in recent years, buried themselves alive by digging too far down in the sand. But what happens if your toddler excavates one plastic shovelful too deep? Will the beach police stick a ruler in the hole and then write you, the obviously-negligent parent, a ticket?

But back to Frisbees.

I did my due diligence by Googling “Frisbee injuries on Los Angeles County beaches.” And, as far as I dug, all I came across was howl after howl about what a dumb idea it was for the supervisors to ban the tossing of the discs.

Nowhere could I find what must have been the horrifying numbers of hospitalizations, blindings and deaths resulting from these weapons of mass destruction falling out of the sky.

I got similar results Googling “football injuries on Los Angeles County beaches.” Again, just a firestorm of criticism for the new rules.

Well, as a result of all this criticism, the supervisors did back off a bit. Newly-adjusted rules now allow you to toss a Frisbee or football outside the designated areas if you get previous permission from a lifeguard (as if lifeguards don’t have more important things to do).

So, we’re all one big, happy, PC beach family now, right?

What about seagulls?

As everyone knows, those rats-with-wings are the true danger at the beach. Seagulls’ beaks are razor-sharp, and they won’t hesitate to cut ya. They steal anything not nailed down and they delight in “bombing” helpless sunbathers with raw sewage.

Beyond that, I’ve seen seagulls flash-mob little children to steal their Fritos — and carry the kids away if they won’t let go of their snacks.

I mean, who gave seagulls a pass?

Why aren’t they restricted to certain areas of the beach? Why are seagulls the only ones allowed to tag, threaten, litter, steal, bully, injure and generally annoy other beachgoers?

Were they grandfathered-in because they were polluting the beach before we were?

Are they getting by pretending they can’t read the rules?

Or does their gang have an “in” with the supervisors?

Somebody must have something on somebody — and I’ll bet feathers would get ruffled if we found out just who and what.

Or are seagulls playing the “species” card, claiming a special, endangered status?

I can assure you, they are not endangered. Have you been to the dump lately?

Seagulls are not dumb animals, either. If you look into their beady little eyes, you will see a clever savagery there. And you can guilt them, which proves it. Just stare at a seagull long enough and he will begin to shuffle his little feet and sidle away from you because he knows that you know his evil intentions.

Of course, if you pull out a French fry, the rest of the gang arrives and a mob mentality takes over as they steal your food and cackle in derision at your helplessness.

My solution?

Not only should footballs and Frisbees be allowed free range at the beach, their use should be encouraged for seagull abatement.

Let’s take our beaches back. Who’s with me?

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