View Mobile Site

Ask the Expert

Signal Photos


Jim Walker: We’re o’dyein’ the Santa Clara River green

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: March 16, 2012 1:55 a.m.
Updated: March 16, 2012 1:55 a.m.

So, tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. Sure and begorrah. But, in case you haven’t noticed, our celebrations of the holiday here in the SCV pale by comparison to other U.S. cities. Take Chicago, for example. Those folks take their St. Patrick’s Day celebrating seriously, with a massive parade and, I hear, green beer sold on every street corner. Enforcing the celebration there this year will be a stepped up campaign of arrests for public sobriety. And, as always, one of the most blatant signs of the celebrating of St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago will be when they dye the Chicago River green.

Now, as I understand it, it only takes 40 pounds of food coloring to dye that river green for a few hours.

Forty lousy pounds of food coloring.

I mean, come on City Council, where’s your spirit? How much could it cost to bring this kind of highbrow joy to the SCV. With 40 pounds of food coloring, we could jazz up our Santa Clara River all the way from Sand Canyon Road to Magic Mountain. And once that happens, bagpipers will spontaneously pop up out of the bushes along the river banks, local marching bands will swarm down out of the hills, firemen will show up, parading in organized ranks in their dress uniforms — and the girls of the Tilted Kilt will lead us to the promised land, you know, somewhere over on Town Center Drive.

Think of the joy we will bring to all the local soccer moms and little children, to the homeless folks camping in the wash and, especially, to several endangered species, whose days are normally so dull.

I mean, sticklebacks enjoy the wearin’ o’ the green as much as the next guy, and this way we bring it to ’em.

And, on the practical side, think of the tax revenue generated by green beer sales at every street corner along Soledad Canyon Road.

It’s win-win for everyone, my friends.

All we need is a heavy rain tomorrow — and, I kid you not, the weather report says that is actually going to happen.

It’s the luck o’ the Irish.

Now, to get you in the mood for our green river St. Pat’s celebration, here I offer up some old Irish wisdom, proverbs and stuff:

* As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.

* A good word never broke a tooth.

* A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man.

* Everyone is wise, until he speaks.

* Many times a man’s mouth broke his nose.

* It is often a man’s tongue cut his throat.

* Nodding the head does not row the boat.

* You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

* If it’s got badly, it will go badly.

* Good judgment comes from bad experience — and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you’re going and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

* There is nothing so bad that it couldn’t be worse.

* A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain.

* If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry.

* A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

* There is no cure for love, other than marriage.

* Bigamy is having one wife too many. Marriage is the same.

* When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

And, finally, a rhyme:

* A limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical.

But the good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

So, tomorrow morning, at 10 a.m., I fully expect to be standing on the Sand Canyon Bridge with my 40 pounds of green dye and a small bill for the city. The rest is up to you, people. Are we going to do this right or what?

Erin go bragh, bro.

And, please … neither The Signal, nor Jim Walker actually advocates dying the river. This is just for fun. Comment at or at


Most Popular Articles

There are no articles at this time.
Commenting not available.
Commenting is not available.


Powered By
Morris Technology
Please wait ...