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Carl Kanowsky: ‘The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers’

It's the Law

Posted: March 30, 2012 1:55 a.m.
Updated: March 30, 2012 1:55 a.m.

The Signal, being essentially a local paper, sometimes doesn’t cover all of the breaking national news.

Being an intrepid columnist for The Signal (the newspaper hasn’t quite recognized that yet, but it will after this), I wanted to get the scoop on legislation from Washington being signed into law today.

Apparently, all of the lobbying from the national Chamber of Commerce and other business-related organizations has finally been heard, along with the voices of all of us underappreciated business and real-estate attorneys.

Congress passed the law unanimously, and the president not only signed, but also designated the law as being an emergency measure requiring immediate implementation.

Starting Sunday, all employees must now sign oaths acknowledging their loyalty and fealty to their feudal lords, their bosses. They must all agree that regardless of where they are currently employed, it is the best job they’ve ever had.

The oath provides that the serf (oOh, sorry, employee) is beholden to the employer for all of his/her well-being and that Sir Employer is brilliant, witty, fair-minded, visionary, a snappy dresser and, depending upon the gender of the boss, exceptionally beautiful or extraordinarily handsome.

The underlings must also affirm their commitment to staying with the employer forever without any raises, but that it’s OK if the employer wants to let them go for any reason, including such excellent ones as getting someone younger, brighter and better looking.

Also in the bill is the requirement that all customers of businesses now pledge allegiance to the philosophy, “The supplier of goods or services to me is always right.”

Outlawed now will be such frivolous lawsuits based on the failure of the product purchased to work, the lack of any warning of obvious dangers (such as, “Hey, watch out the coffee’s hot” or “Guess what, that sharp knife will cut you if you stick yourself with it”) or the fact that the services rendered had nothing to do with what the consumer wanted.

All customers must pay for their purchases up front and in full and can only get a refund if they agree to buy twice as much the next time.

The sellers of real estate are also ecstatic because now. all buyers are prohibited from haggling about price. Additionally, if the seller decides that the real-estate agent didn’t work hard enough to get the sale, then no commission is owed.

In fact, the agent has to pay the seller a fee just for having been associated with a successful closing.

Also, the seller now can rest easy because after the sale the buyer is forbidden from suing for any reason, such as that the seller didn’t actually own the property.

And, for what everyone involved acknowledges as being the most significant and well-deserved aspect of the new law, all clients of business and real estate attorneys waive their right to complain about anything.

They also authorize the attorney to use their name and likeness for advertising purposes, to share with the world some of the bone-head moves the clients have made, and to raid the client trust account to pay for the attorney’s cache of fine wine.

And, thankfully, Shakespeare’s play, “Henry VI, Part,” is being rewritten to strike the line, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

The last aspect — a day of freedom and recognition for all of us hardworking columnists.

Our newspaper publishers must change their advertising to now say something like, “The Signal – Your Hometown Paper Featuring [insert name of columnist].” Also, our pay is being tripled. Wait a minute! I do this for free. As Homer Simpson would say, “D’Oh.” Happy April 1 – or Happy Fools’ Day.

Carl Kanowsky of Kanowsky & Associates is an attorney in the Santa Clarita Valley. He may be reached by email at Kanowsky’s column represents his own views, and not necessarily those of The Signal. Nothing contained herein shall be or is intended to be construed as providing legal advice.


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