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Tim Myers: Top 10 stories for this year

Posted: January 12, 2013 2:00 a.m.
Updated: January 12, 2013 2:00 a.m.

In my humble opinion no exercise promotes general boredom and yawning more than the annual top 10 lists. At the end of the year the media punishes ordinary souls with mind numbing listings of the top 10 films, songs, news events, what have you for the year just ended, nearly always biasing their choices to the safe and still memorable events of the last half and in some cases even the last quarter of the year.

Even perhaps more yawn worthy? The top ten stories of the year for the city of Santa Clarita and the general environs of the Santa Clarita Valley. One might argue that the powers that be execute well when one cannot easily remember something noteworthy occurring over the course of the last 12 months.

How much more gutsy to instead focus on the top ten stories for the new year and take a real chance on celebration of right or wrong predictions? Here then, are my predictions for the top ten stories of this year in Santa Clarita, in no particular order:

1. In a bizarre turn of events Ken Pulskamp returns to City Hall and declares himself emperor of Santa Clarita. Thirteen percent of public remotely aware of the coup do not raise their (miniscule) voices in opposition, since Mr. Pulskamp agrees to cover chloride fines from vested Santa Clarita city pension.

2. Ratings crash on local cable access Channel 20 when Emperor Pulskamp uses new authority to require broadcast of five hour speeches where the emperor reads through the statistics of his fantasy football and baseball teams a la Hugo Chavez.

3. Castaic activist group abandons potentially expensive lawsuit against the building of Castaic High School when they finally realize the Hart District has no (and never did have any) intention of completing the building.

4. Though Santa Clarita City Council dissolved due to institution of Pulskamp imperium, TimBen Boydston still reserves right to go into council chambers and yell at empty seats on a biweekly basis. Jon Hatami also indicates intention to run for seat on dissolved council in 2014.

5. Ratings on local cable access Channel 20 soar when rebels turn on council chamber cameras and the public is given a free view of TimBen Boydston yelling at empty seats. Henry Mayo Newhall Memorial emergency room is flooded with cases of suspected alcohol poisoning when locals devise drinking game where one must take a swig every time TimBen Boydston says the word "American."

6. With institution of imperial rule negating need for elections and candidate forums those convinced of a conspiracy to mis-time city traffic lights wander aimlessly around City Hall parking lot during January and February; well, at least those who were able to make the trip in a reasonable time despite the mis-timed city traffic lights.

7. Crime statistics will go up, down or sideways but no matter which ways the Imperial spokespeople will state that the statistics support the conclusion that Santa Clarita is now indeed the Awesome Empire, and that numbers compare favorable with LA County and statewide averages anyway.

8. Hart High School’s continued lack of athletic prowess will result in a not so secret plan to make it the mid-1990’s again by science or magic. Fans provide financial support for the initiative by purchasing $500 T-shirts with the Hart logo.

9. Local activists Lynn Plambeck, Carole Lutness and Cam Noltemeyer threaten to go all Les Miserables on the Pulskamp hegemony by rallying the people to build barricades and block city streets in order to foment a revolution. Call leads exactly three people to show up to build barricades: Noltemeyer, Lutness and Plambeck manage to block the entrance to the new Wal-Mart in the Town Center Mall for fifteen minutes before they are hauled away by private security.

10. Pulskamp Imperium suddenly collapses when Emperor Ken I suddenly decides to actually go fishing after all. Frank Ferry, who claims another personal epiphany, declares himself mayor until at least 20 percent of Santa Clarita registered voters cast ballots in a Council election, which effectively makes Mr. Ferry mayor for life.

And one can feel quite comfortable making these predictions without fear of mockery from those that review the actual top 10 stories of 2013 in Santa Clarita one year hence, because the predictions occurred in the beginning of the year rather than the last half or the last quarter, where reviewers will easily forget them.

Tim Myers is a Valencia resident.


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